Where's the other boot?

My Father in law died as he turned Seventy. Not the day before or the day after but right smack bang on the anniversary of his birth. I felt it was poetic and after the pain he'd gone through over the five years prior, I felt it was a good thing for him to finally be at the end of it. My husband did not cope well. He may feel he did, he will most likely tell you he did but he did not. There is much to that tale and I won't go into it right now but suffice to say that the years my Father in law suffered pain of unknown origins before being diagnosed with cancer and those that came after the diagnosis were fairly instrumental in the breakdown of my marriage.



My Mother in law was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer a little while back. She's had treatment and managed a remission but it returned. She found out just before Christmas that it had returned and treatment was begun. I have no idea what has been happening as A, her son, has never been good about telling me what's going on and being separated now makes it only less likely. She's been in hospital for the last ten weeks I'm told. I believe they are no longer treating the cancer, only providing pain management as she lives out her last few months. She's not yet in palliative care as far as I know but I know so little.

I ask questions. I get shrugs of shoulders, brush offs and evasion for answers. This is the way of A. He hoards knowledge. Knowledge is power. He then uses his knowledge to make you aware he knows what you do not or to wound you, whatever suits his needs. I doubt he's aware this is what he does, he would have rationalized it years ago and his truth is now different to mine. That means I then play a game of not allowing him to know that his knowledge has power over me. I don't get upset by the lack of information, I work around the lack. Small examples of what he does would be... If he drove to Melbourne for some reason I would never be told when he would be heading home. This would mean I couldn't plan anything, I wouldn't know when to be concerned if he didn't turn up. I would either have to wait for hours or get on with my life and not appear to be concerned. Another - If I asked him to let me know when he would be somewhere he might agree to do so and then perhaps not let me know or tell me he'd be half an hour, then he'd appear 5-10 minutes later. So, a lack of basic courtesy and obvious attempts to control me. Whatever.

Currently it means that I have little knowledge of what is happening with his mother. My children love her, she's been a part of my life for thirty years and I love her also. I have managed to get from him that he feels she won't last the year. On Monday I got a strong feeling that I should take the kids to Melbourne to see her. I thought if we headed down on a Thursday & came back on a Sunday they would be able to see her a few times for short visits. That's all I feel she'd cope with. She's pretty sick.

So I rang A to tell him I felt this way and to make sure he was okay with me taking the kids out of school. He's not. He wanted me to wait for him to visit her on Friday and see how she was. After some to'ing & fro'ing I left it at he would tell me how she was but most likely the kids & I would head to Melbourne the following week. I got a call this morning from him. He spoke to his brother who feels their Mum will, maybe, make the end of June. No wonder I had the feeling I should take the kids to see her. So after much discussion, half a dozen phone calls, A arguing against taking the kids out of school and me arguing that school can be caught up but the kids can't see their Grandmother after she dies we have arrived at his solution. He suggested taking our daughter down with him this Friday (she'd miss school) and our son the following weekend but then I asked him when he thought I might manage to see her. (I think he has forgotten that others will miss her, will feel her death, not just him.) Currently he's flying the four of us to Melbourne on Saturday week. We can't fly out until after our son's tennis lesson at 9am because it's too 'important' and we're flying back at 6:30pm the same day. All up we'll have about 6 hours in Melbourne. I feel it's nowhere near sufficient. I would like a few days there so we could call in a few times without causing too much stress for her and the kids could really see her. I'll keep discussing it with him and I'm hoping he'll let me change the flights to allow us a few days. Wish me luck.

I hope I'm wrong, I hope she lives for a long time yet. Wish my Mother in law luck... She's only Seventy Two.

I found the other boot too...

One of my good friends, of which I have far too few, told me last week that she was having some tests done because she felt something was wrong. Her body seemed to be twisting and she'd found a lump on her upper chest. She had x-rays and an ultrasound. She's been referred to the Peter Mac to see an oncologist for the four lumps they found in and around her breast. While she hasn't been diagnosed with breast cancer the aspirations & biopsy they did when she had her ultrasound have told her local Doctor that the lumps are bad. She's forty, she has three children with the eldest only having started high school this year. The other boot hit me suddenly and hard... Wish my friend luck...