Arms no longer empty

The weekend was long and filled with an excited tension. All we wanted to do was make that phone call and begin the process of us becoming a family. Finally Tuesday arrived and we were able to ring our social worker and accept the placement. After making the call we were able to start dealing with the logistics of bringing a child into our lives with only a few days notice. We had no cot, bassinet, pram, clothes, nappies etc. You are warned and counselled against buying anything for a baby prior to placement because there is no guarantee you will be chosen to become parents.

Waiting...

Once you're accepted into the Adoption program there is no way of knowing how long you will wait to be selected as the new parents of a child or even if you will be selected.

At that time in Victoria the process from the other side of the adoption was that a birth parent can indicate their interest in relinquishing their child but could not sign any consent forms for a period of two weeks after the birth. They then had a grace period of 28 days which could be extended before final consent was given

Reconciling feelings

Throughout the process of applying for adoption I had feelings and concerns that bothered me. I worried that having open adoptions and on-going contact with the birth families would be detrimental a child. I had no issue with telling them how they became my child but the idea that you had to allow access to suit the birth parents, that you had to pretty much tell everyone involved in your life how you formed your family seemed

I'm stressing

My story was included in an anthology about adoption. I went to look for the document so I could grab parts of it for this blog. (for anyone interested it's called "Adopting" and is edited by Jane Turner Goldsmith, my story was divided into two parts and placed in different sections)

Open your hearts, and everything else for DHS

I wrote a letter. I got a reply. DHS accepted our "expression of interest" and we got to go to a "training session" where they did their best to put us off the idea of adoption. We got to hear from an adoptee who was anything but happy and content with their life. We got to hear from a Birth mother with similar angst. We heard all the bad stuff then we got to hear about the rules and regulations. You have to married for a minimum of two years, you have to be under the age of 26 as at Jan 31st in the year of application and no more than 40 at the same date if applying for a second or subsequent child.

No longer travelling that road

I feel for couples in the situation described in this article http://tinyurl.com/y972twc but I really do wish the media would be a little more accurate in what they report and how.

Yes, the various states of Australia have fairly stringent regulations regarding adoption but where do they mention that some of these requirements are those of the government in the country the adoption is being sought from? Where is the mention of the fact that most of the requirements put in place by the relevant state also apply to local adoptions?

Where do you go from here? (edited)

Twenty years old and more completely out of step with everyone I knew than you could imagine. What few friends we had still had no idea how to deal with the tragedy in our lives. Some simply said nothing, others disappeared. People have little ability to cope with death especially when the death is that of a child. We were left with no formal support - the hospital pretty much just said "Goodbye, we're sorry". There were no services dealing with this type of thing, Bonnie babes was established but dealt with babies (still births, SIDS deaths and the like), there was another group but they were focused on teen and young adult deaths. For the families of young children there was nothing that we could find. DH(my husband) retreated into his pain and

Now for the sad stuff

JC was such a joy to be with. We had our moments where we weren't friends but they were few and far between. Overall he did as he was asked, he was cheeky but not naughty and it was rare I had to reprimand him. We went to playgroups, toy library, visited people we'd met who had children and generally filled our days together. Only on Saturday mornings did I work at my father's business so JC was pretty much my world. His father, my husband worked all week and played sport most weekends. He had a side job gardening on Sundays so it was mostly just JC and I. We were content with that.

Suddenly I see... me with a baby in my arms

So my baby finally came home. My teeny tiny boy (hereafter known as JC) was all ours at last. No more Dr's and nurses poking, prodding and controlling our existence. We still had to see them sometimes so they could monitor his progress. Being born so small meant he was likely not to keep up with his peers even age adjusted. We had perhaps more visits with the Health centre than usual and visits to a peadiatrician and peadiatric surgeon but otherwise all was good in our world. JC was growing very slowly, he was a gorgeous child with a lovely nature. I enjoyed being a mother, I was where I wanted to be.

Long hospital visits are no fun...

My tiny little boy struggled from one health crisis to another, many of them not as serious as first thought. He was so small that equipment just wasn't available that fit him, monitors didn't work properly because he didn't cause enough pressure to register, echograms didn't work correctly and showed him with serious heart defects that turned out to be nothing, there wasn't even nappies to fit him. The hospital used 000 singlets, folded them in half and used them even though he was still swamped by the enormity of them. The small conducting pads they use for heart monitors etc covered almost his whole chest, just one of them almost covered him. We spent almost all our time at the hospital. I pretty much took the last train or tram home and headed back by about 8am the next morning, every day...

I got married...

Once the calm after the storm had arrived we sat down to plan what should be done. I was about 12 weeks pregnant and abortion wasn't an option in my mind. After much discussion it was decided we'd get married. So amid a flurry of activity my mother and one of my sisters organized a wedding for us. I did get to do a few things but it was not your normal process, the bride was distinctly not the focus of this day. I left school within a few days of finding out and I really can't recall too much if what I did with the next few weeks. Bit of a haze there, wonder why lol

Fitting everyone in

This is where open adoption can get convoluted... My daughter's birth-father has a serious girlfriend. My daughter hopes they'll marry. She asked me the other day what that would make the girlfriend when/if they do marry. "My step birth-mother?" she asked. Now me - I'm still trying to figure out what she could refer to my son's birth-mother as and I have no clue what to suggest for either. I need more terms of reference so I can sort out our family tree lol

Got any ideas please do tell me :)

The first step towards Motherhood

I was 17 and going out with a guy I met through a friend. Nice guy, enjoyed his company but not "the one" I was waiting for. He understood that - I was upfront I wouldn't be sleeping with him so all's cool. So one day after a couple of months of dating we went to a party for someone he worked with. He disappeared ! We got to the party and he was gone like a puff of smoke. Unbeknown to me he'd decided that as I wasn't prepared to sleep with him and he felt the "need", he'd do what he could to make me dump him so he could go find what he needed without cheating on me. I can see his roundabout logic but he'd have done better just talking to me... so anyway.