Reconciling feelings

Throughout the process of applying for adoption I had feelings and concerns that bothered me. I worried that having open adoptions and on-going contact with the birth families would be detrimental a child. I had no issue with telling them how they became my child but the idea that you had to allow access to suit the birth parents, that you had to pretty much tell everyone involved in your life how you formed your family seemed
open to abuses. I didn't want to lie to anyone but sometimes you simply don't want to say anything. That's not an option in adoption really. You may not tell casual contacts but family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, employers... yep - they all need to know. There's no private business here. You might wonder why you might not want to tell the world so here's a typical scenario...

On meeting a casual aquaintence:
Other person: Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant
You: I wasn't, XYZ is our child through adoption
OP: OH? You didn't want children of your own?
Y: This is my own child
OP: You know what I mean
OP: Do you think you'll keep trying to have your own child?
Y: I have my own child
OP: Oh yes but it's different you know, when they're your own.
Y: It's not actually
OP: Oh you'd understand if you had one of your own
Y: I do have one of my own, I also gave birth to another one of my own
OP: So do you see their real mother?

Other scenarios involved the suggestions of a fill in service for my husband, trying IVF, relaxing and letting nature take it's course. Some people pushed really hard after polite discouragement for information that was not any of their business. I regret to say that the all too human side of me took over and they got told what for. There is a general reluctance to accept that a child you didn't give birth to is your child. While I may understand what someone intends when they ask after my childrens' "real mother" perhaps I don't and most likely my children will become confused when they hear that. People are not circumspect when asking these questions, they do not consider that children have ears and will listen but not always understand. So I have spent my fair share of time explaining to my children as well as responding to these disrespectful and hurtful comments. My favourite response is "Yes, I looked in the mirror this morning" or something similar. To which I always get the you know what I mean response but very rarely do I get an apology. Even if it doesn't worry me that other people imply that I am in some way a fake mother how can they know if it bothers me? If I was to impugn their parenthood they would be upset and hurt by my comments so why would they think I would not be?

I digress... I was discussing the many feelings you have to deal with prior to adoption. I worried about being part of a process that was separating a child from their birth parents. Having lost so many children it distressed me to think of someone losing their child and me helping facilitate that. I worried about having contact with people that I possibly would not like, who may judge me and may not respect my child's needs. I worried that the focus was (and is) on the birth parents rather than the child. I was scared that my child would be confused by someone who had stepped back from their lives and yet expected to be a part of it, possibly even expecting to be called Mum or Dad. How would I face that if it were to happen? The worst fears were that the relinquishing parents would change their minds or my child wouldn't love me as I would love them. There were so many fears and worries but so few answers to be found before a child came into our lives. In the end I simply had to ignore my concerns and move ahead knowing that when the time came it would all work or I'd know I couldn't do this. Having been raised in a fairly average family I had the idea that family wasn't chosen, you were born into it or married into it. The idea of loving a child with no genetic link was outside the square and a fairly confronting idea. You can't just say that you will love this child because it's outside any frame of reference you generally have but you have to decide that you will allow the chance of it. You need to allow a child into your heart which has been half locked away for so long in order to survive what has been thrown at you.

So I moved forward into our adoption hoping that I would have a big enough heart to love a child that I had no link to.