The gutwrenchingness of being shy

I was invited to a school mum dinner for tonight. I felt like I wasn't really who they wanted there. One afternoon at school a mum invited another mum to this thing while standing about five feet from me. They chatted for a little while and the one who had invited the other turned to me and said "Oh, would you like to come sat 3rd..." So even though I felt like an afterthought I had been invited and I don't want to be thought of a snob or anything I figured I'd go.



I spent all week convincing myself why I should go. I screwed up the courage and got there about 20 minutes late, figuring that by then someone else would be there. There was no-one. I couldn't cope with standing in a bar on my own so I left. I had a mobile number for the woman who organized it & I sent a text just so she knew I wasn't being rude. She said they were at the bar now so I screwed up even more courage and went back.

I hated it. I was almost on the verge of tears from feeling so out of place. One mum spoke to me. She lives almost next door to the ex so she sees my son a lot & we talked about him, the neighbourhood kids. Then she talked to someone else. Everyone else there was in a conversation with their friends, they all ignored me. I stood there like a shag on a rock for a few more minutes and then took off before I started vomiting or crying... or both.

I still feel like I've been chewed up and spat out. I'm so close to tears still I am finding it hard to swallow. I just can't do social situations when I have no-one as a fall back. I wonder if those mums realize how they ostracise and alienate people who haven't lived here all their lives, who haven't grown up knowing everything about each other. I'm sure they don't do it deliberately but it doesn't help me feel less on the outside.

I don't think I'll do that again.