I was married for over 28 years. In that time we went on one holiday. Dunk Island for our 5th wedding anniversary. It was paid for out of some money I inherited from my grandfather. My husband organized it all. He didn't tell me what was happening, nor even hint at it. I got an invitation to join him after he had it all booked and paid for.
Outside of that we had a weekend trip to Adelaide once before we moved to Mildura when we'd been married ten years. After moving here we went to Adelaide for a weekend three times I think, once may have been for 4 days. We also went to Queensland when our daughter was 6. His mother gave us enough money to go to Queensland again when our son was 5. Not a lot of holidays in 28 years. I always wanted to go to Paris. Other places would have been lovely but Paris was my dream. We all have dreams. One of mine was to be a mother again. I realized that dream. Paris was my other dream. I can't say that I'll ever realize that one. When he asked what I wanted for my 40th birthday a trip to Paris was the first thing I uttered. As it had been almost every birthday or even a question such as "where would you like to go for dinner?" Paris!
Tonight I had a phone call. It was my daughter's birthfather & his wife. They married earlier this month and as with his brother & one of his sisters we were invited to the wedding. Our daughter was as well. They are wonderful people and I will be eternally grateful to my children's birthparents for choosing us to parent the child they created. The phone call was to thank me for their wedding present which had utterly blown them away. I had no idea what the gift was. My ex husband had told me he was trying to sort something out but hadn't shared with me what it was. He bought our son home while I was still on the phone, bluffing my way through this fulsome thanks for a gift I had no idea of. After saying our goodbyes and hanging up the phone I asked him what it was we had gifted to them.
He sat quietly for a minute, a smirk on his face. His hands covered his face for a moment and then as if he had summoned sufficient courage he told me. He gifted them enough money for a trip to Paris. Not a holiday, not a nice holiday, not a travel voucher but "enough money for a trip to Paris".
No wonder they were blown away. All those years that I spent with him, supposedly working together for our future, for us, he gave my dream to someone else.
I've spoken to him peripherally about a property settlement. He says he can't afford to pay me what I'm legally entitled to. Yet he can afford to gift this. He can afford to buy a substantial amount of land and hide it in a superannuation trust that he thinks I don't know about. He then has the audacity to cry poor and pretend he will scrimp and save to cover our children's school fees, to tell me he's paying me more child support than I'm supposed to get. I put off the property settlement in an effort to not make him sell his dream so as to pay me out. Yet he can happily give mine away.
Any wonder I cried as soon as he left.
I will continue to strive to make this separation and divorce as easy as I can. I will never deny him access to our children. I will never use them as a bartering chip nor weapons between us. I will never force him to relinquish his dream but there's this little part of me that wants to hurt him as he has hurt me. To treat him with the casual disdain that he has shown me for so long. As much as I would like to lash out at him in hurt and anger, I know I won't. My children deserve more than that from me and so I will swallow my hurt, dry my tears and face him tomorrow for Christmas lunch. I won't mention his gift to our daughter's birthfather. I won't bring up the names of our sons who have died since the reminder hurts him. It hurts me not to speak of them but I know I can cope and so I will. However, I know that I will never be able to look at him again without seeing the blackness inside of him that could so hurt me for no reason than he wants to. I doubt I'll ever tell another person that he really is a good man undone by grief. I can't believe that any longer.
God, what an ass. Exes really play dirty and know how to get ya where they know it hurts. Keep on being the bigger person. It doesn't get any easier, but I know someday somehow we will get our reward for being that better person. *hugs*. I'm dealing with my ass of an ex too.
ReplyDeleteWhat an ass. Exes know how to get you where it hurts, don't they? Keep being the bigger person. I swear somewhere someday we will get our rewards. I'm dealing with my own personal ass of an ex too. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteDid you ever ask him why he did that and was it definitely a swipe at you? Or did he think he 'did good'? I know you have to deal with him in relation to the kids but you probably need to stop being so nice! Take whatever is due to you in the property settlement, you have the major task of bringing up the children and what you're entitled to essentially will be for them anyway. Am so so sorry that you have to deal with him but you no one deserves what he did to you xo __Bev__
ReplyDeleteBastard !
ReplyDelete@Abby It's not easy dealing with an ex *hugs* to you as well
ReplyDelete@Stephen - the least of the words that ran through my mind but about the only one I uttered after he left.
@__Bev__ It was absolutely a swipe at me. He told our daughter he'd given them a flight centre voucher. It was only when I asked that it became a trip to Paris. It's very much the way he plays things. He will say & do things with the express intention of hurting if he feels slighted by you.
Ex husbands are arseholes. That is all. xx
ReplyDelete@Annie
ReplyDeleteYou are right. That is all. xx
Oh Kallie how could he be so cruel. I am so sorry you have to endure this too.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard it must be not to mention your sons' names too.
You are a beautiful strong person and you don't deserve this.
Thanks Trish :) I doubt I'll ever get to understand how he could be like this. I can't conceive of hurting someone so deliberately.
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking. I want to buy you a trip to Paris. It's lovely. They eat a lot of bread! There are a lot of french people. They have Nutella on everything! I want to beat your ex about the head with a blunt object x
ReplyDeleteThanks Taryn :) I'll get to Paris one day but I won't be eating Nutella on everything :)
ReplyDeleteEx - hmmm yes, sounds like a grand plan :)