How big can a family be?

When our daughter came into our lives she did not come alone. Along with her we gained her biological families as well. There is a provision for ongoing contact not just with the birth parents but also with any birth relatives who request contact. With our daughter the adoption order included birth grandparents on both sides as well as her birth parents siblings. Not only did we have to get to know our daughter but we needed to find some commonality with all these people we'd never met and yet we shared such a bond with. We first met J's birth parents over the days we were in Melbourne meeting our new daughter. They presented as a lovely pair of young people who had an extremely mature attitude towards an unenviable situation. They assuaged my fears by telling me they wished only to be our daughter's friend, never to usurp our roles as Mum and Dad.



So here was our next journey. The discovery of these two wonderful people who had given us our dream. To find ways to be comfortable with them, to include them in this girl's life without causing them heartache for what they were missing. To connect with them. We wrote letters four times a year. To ease the load on myself and to push my husband to be a part of this relationship building I asked that each time a letter was due, that each time we both wrote a letter, each time it was to the other birth parent to whom we had written last. I included photographs of our daughter with each letter. In this manner they always knew what stage she was at in her development, what filled her face with joy and delight, what saddened her. My husband was much better at writing detailed letters focusing on these points while I was ever more pedestrian in my approach. I was my own worst editor :) I wrote and rewrote, determined not to say anything that may cause pain. Overall though, it was a good way to fulfill an obligation that was not a chore. In addition to written contact we also had to arrange for access up to four times a year. This again, was not an onerous task in the most part. After meeting with J's birth parents the only time I felt nervous about access was when a child whose birth mother was meeting with he and his parents decided to abduct him and every parent's nightmare came true for that poor family. Some of you may recall the situation, for those who aren't aware of it, briefly, the birth mother had hidden her pregnancy, her father had decreed the child would be adopted and eventually it became too much for her and after abducting the son she had relinquished she ended up taking his life. Somehow she had slipped through the net intended to find and support those women who wished to relinquish but were not emotionally ready to do so or those who were being forced to relinquish. The decision is intended to be yours not due to pressure being bought to bear upon you from an outside source. Somehow she convinced the social workers that she was ready to and capable of making that choice. A beautiful boy paid for that with his life, two people already suffering from shattered dreams were indelibly harmed by the loss of a child they loved. This was my worst nightmare. I spent hours panicking and calming myself once more. I could see this happening to us in my mind and yet I knew it would never truly happen. J's birth parents were in a far different place to where that poor young woman was.