It's all coming back to me...

Like what they say about riding a bicycle, after a minute it comes back to you but you don't have that same confidence.

I spent years working to become a Mother with a child again and once I did I felt more scared then I ever had. I knew I could cope with losing children but could I cope with raising one?



It's a work in progress of course, since my daughter is now almost 12 and heading for the horror years of puberty inspired angst/anger etc. I spend hours agonizing over how to raise my child, how to reconcile my expectations with those of her birth family. I feel compelled to raise a child they will be proud of so they never have cause to regret their choices. I admire the choices they made and I feel proud to know them both. It cannot have been an easy choice but it was a mature, responsible and unselfish choice. The reasons behind it are my daughter's story but I will say that no-one has the right to second guess them or judge them for it. Many people hold a preconceived idea that relinquishing parents are young, unmarried, poorly educated and do not want/love their child. This is so far from the truth it is laughable. The majority of relinquishing mothers are at University, in their early 20's and from middle class backgrounds. At least that was the case when we were first applying, perhaps the demographics have changed since then but I doubt it. To make this choice you need to be able to see what your child would miss out on, what potential you have to provide the opportunities you want for your child, what abilities you have to be a parent at that point in time. It's not an emotional decision and as such, is more often one taken by someone with more education. The decision is one where the child is paramount not the parent. Often a younger person is unaware of the stresses of raising a child and sees they will have someone to love and to love them not the sleepless nights, the mounting bills, the lack of freedom etc. My daughter's birth parents were both under twenty but in all other ways, fit the demographics. They are people I admire and respect for their strength and generosity of spirit. Their reasons for choosing us as the new family for the child they created were many and varied but included their belief that we could understand, in some way, the sense of loss they would experience.

I have to say that I really don't understand the feelings they experience, I understand the grief and pain of losing a child but I have no experience in knowing a child I bore calls another woman Mum. I sympathize with them, I feel sad that the choices they felt were necessary meant they would not raise their child but I think I will never truly understand, I have to be satisfied with empathy for them. I also feel guiltily glad that their choices gave me the opportunity to mother a child again. It's frustrating and lacks appreciation but it's the most wonderful, rewarding part of my life. It gives me my reason for being.