Open your hearts, and everything else for DHS

I wrote a letter. I got a reply. DHS accepted our "expression of interest" and we got to go to a "training session" where they did their best to put us off the idea of adoption. We got to hear from an adoptee who was anything but happy and content with their life. We got to hear from a Birth mother with similar angst. We heard all the bad stuff then we got to hear about the rules and regulations. You have to married for a minimum of two years, you have to be under the age of 26 as at Jan 31st in the year of application and no more than 40 at the same date if applying for a second or subsequent child.



We were informed about the department's requirements regarding our financial status, our home, our relationship, our family, our backgrounds... you name it, you have to open it up to scrutiny. From the "training session" we got to start filling out paperwork. We had to submit our family trees, apply for a police check, provide financial details and permission for the department to check our financials. We had to write our life story, provide character referees and do interviews. Social workers check our references, investigate your family and your upbringing to look for anything that might flag you as a danger to a child, they run police checks on you and your immediate family looking for any major criminal leanings and/or pedophile behaviours. They go through your life story asking questions about how happy your childhood was, how it affects you in your adult life. They look to your social network and family for who will provide you with support. They question your reasons and ability to love a child not of your genetic line. They want to know how your infertility affects you, if you have grieved for your lost potential biological children, you have to agree to not seeking infertility treatment while on the adoption program and possibly taking contraception to avoid a possible pregnancy. They look at if you have children in your family already, your work history, one partner is required to agree to being a stay at home parent for a minimum of twelve months. If there is a nook that may harbour a doubt - they investigate it. They come into your home and check it for safety hazards. You are required to be beyond an open book, you have to be dissected to boot.

I have no issue with any of the requirements. If you meet them you have the opportunity to become a parent and if you don't then perhaps you aren't well suited to parenthood, not everyone is. My only issue with any of what you are required to submit to in the Adoption process is that it only applies when adopting and not when you are able to achieve a family through more prosaic means. While I understand that many of the areas they look at when you apply for adoption are not ones that really matter when it comes to being a good parent there are areas that could do with a little more preparation for those who become parents through biology. Perhaps some compulsory parenting classes, even at high school level, some way of providing future parents with some of the tools they will need, to help them understand the realities of having a child and the demands that will be placed on them. Not sure that would fly in the wider community though.

And so we wrote and listed and submitted to scrutiny.

During this process there was further pressure on our marriage. My father was ill again. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma for the Third time and since there was no viable treatment options that he was willing to undergo he was told to go home and prepare to die. That was a fairly scary prospect but he took it in his stride and instead of becoming maudlin and depressed he chose to get organized. He built his own coffin, painted it sky blue and we all provided gifts to go with him into whatever afterlife he may have found. We tried to celebrate his life and enjoy what he had left of it rather than focusing on his looming death.

DH was still not dealing well with his grief and I felt he was not putting real effort into our adoption application. He attempted to get me to deal with all the paperwork. I completed or helped him complete almost all of it but I could not and would not do his life story. He was also working seven days a week and anything from 12 to 16 hours in a day so there was little time for me and no energy. I tried to help him understand that I needed a little of his time and effort but met with almost no success and even that was short lived.

One of my sisters fell pregnant very soon after getting married. She had a son from a previous relationship and her new husband had two children from his first marriage. They soon discovered they were having twins. Another child coming into our family without me having one was stressful enough for me. It was no longer the anguish it had been. I didn't see pregnant women and feel unreasonable jealousy and envy any longer but it still hurt that I was childless. My sisters pregnancy progressed well however an issue with their health insurance meant that her prenatal care was through a public hospital while the birth was going to be a at private hospital. Their health fund was not prepared to cover all the costs through a private hospital as the twins would be born preterm and thus not meet their pre-existing ailment requirements. Due to the unusual care arrangements the hospital my sister was to give birth in was not made aware of a health issue that affected the babies and shortly after their birth, at 37 weeks, the elder twin died from a treatable problem. I have never felt so helpless and stunned as when I got the phone call telling me of my nephews death. I thought my father was making an extremely bad joke. I flew to Melbourne to see my sister and wished I had been more insistent when I spoke to her on the phone after the boys birth. I told her she should cuddle her children and insist on doing so if the staff didn't allow it but she didn't want to create a fuss. She never got to hold her son while he lived and I will regret that for her forever. I never held my younger son while he lived and I felt the lack so keenly, and now my sister knew that pain as well. I wished with all my heart that I could take that pain from her and the pain she suffers to this day. Her surviving son celebrates his birthday on the same day as the anniversary of his brothers death. So while my sister celebrates one childs life she is unable to mourn his brother as another might. She has to put her grief to one side and leave it alone, untouched, until her living son has his day.

My nephews death gave me a new perspective on my loss. I had the luxury of being able to grieve my children when I needed to, I could fall into a heap for days and no-one was relying on me to be there for them as a child needs. I was reminded once more that no matter how bad your situation seems, there will always be a greater tragedy somewhere and you cannot allow yourself to wallow in self-pity. It will never help you.

Through this time dh was still coasting along barely allowing me into his life and it took it's toll. After trying to tell him how serious the situation was, how I was unable to continue living as we were and finding him unable or unwilling to attempt to work on fixing our marriage I ended up leaving him. I had another relationship during the time were separated but for various reasons decided I should give us a final chance at repairing our marriage. Over the course of several months dh put in an effort that resulted in our reconciliation and we took up our adoption application again. It had been put on the back burner while all this was happening and I had chosen not to even consider it while dh and I were estranged.

We finally handed in the last of our paperwork and then the first wait began. We needed to be allocated a caseworker to assess our application and do our interviews. Finally we had our caseworker assigned and the hard questions began. Both dh and I had to be interviewed together and separately. Essentially they were looking to find holes in our stories in case we were putting up a front. We signed forms and agreed to stipulations until they were coming out of our ears. Finally we got a report to read and make any comments/corrections before it was submitted to the board for consideration. Our case worker was a wonderful woman who both dh and I had a huge amount of respect for. She wrote a great report and while I had indicated that a girl would be our preference due to my concern that I may compare a boy to our eldest son, she recommeded we be approved to adopt either gender.

Finally, in April 1998 our file went before the board. We were the last of the couples who had attended our training session to complete the process and many of them had been sucessful with their applications and were parents. We were fortunate and received a phone call letting us know that we had been accepted and were now in the pool for relinquishing parents to consider.